In the utter darkness of this room three hearts beat.
The soft breathing and precious rustling around me speak of the two peaceful souls that are at rest in their beds. I wish to join them at peace, but the fourth heart beat of this quartet strums its tune 4000 miles away tonight; tonight the distance that has grown between us seems truly measured, the physical miles match the unbridgeable chasm I carved into our lives, and though I know I can never now cross that divide, I know too that my soul will never leave the edge of the cliff in the faint hope that a route across may one day appear from the dreadful mists between us.
While you are so far away, and when you are once more near, the hearts in this room will always beat for you.
And now to sleep, perchance to dream of happier times than these
If I curl up in a ball and hide from everything in a corner for a day or two, or a year, perhaps I could make a success of that. ‘Cos I’m fuck all use for anything else.
i just know there’s a soul sized hole in my life.
i’m clinging to the charred embers of the life i burnt away, wishing i never lit the match, knowing that there’s nothing really left now but wisps of ash.
and life is now so empty and cold.
how are you?
how’s work at the minute?
how was your day?
how did you sleep?
are you sure you’re ok?
yeah, i’m alright. just a bit tired.
family, friend, colleagues, world - i can’t say it to you in person I’m sorry; i’m incapable of facing you hearing me say it, but I’m not alright. when i say i’m alright, alright means i’m a mess, i’m numb, i feel lost, i’m screaming inside. alright is all i can think to say.
please don’t stop asking because one day, i hope, i’ll be able to say i’m alright and mean it.
your hands might have been sore, or cold; but we used to hold hands. and it was everything.
i’ll never hold your hand again. it makes me weep.
my memories haunt each waking moment, mocking my sadness and my failings, admonishing me for allowing the essence of goodness to be drained from my life. you are gone from me, your smile shines elsewhere. I lost it, I lost you, I am lost.